Pregnant at 71

HickcupsA woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by

one of the younger doctors.  After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

“What the hell is the matter with you” the older doctor demanded.

“Mrs.Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

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Toilet Paper?

The Toilet Runneth Over

By:  Sparky

I knew one of the grandchildren was in the bathroom, and why should I be concerned?  Then I heard his voice grandpa, grandpa, come quickly, hurry, hurry.  I opened the door and peered in to see the toilet water had broken over the top of the toilet.  The water with little brown lumps passing off an odor, not needed, and had made itself present.  As I turned to my grandson I knew I couldn’t reprimand him with those eyes of astonishment, looking up at me not to mention the fingers clamping his tiny nose.

We lived in Lake Mathews, Riverside County in Southern California.   This is one of those lucky days we had Chris and Andrew, children of Diana, were staying over.  Within a couple of hours plumber made it to our home and proceeded to do his job.  Upon completion, he suggested our family use less toilet paper.

I decided the boys needed instruction on the use of toilet paper.

Several years earlier, Linda and I were visiting my mom in Anahiem, California and toilet paper became a topic for some reason, which isn’t remembered.  During the conversation I mentioned my method of wiping after taking a dump.  How I came about this method isn’t known.

Paper saving has always been an attitude of mine, you know, “save the trees,” kind of thing.  To this day this is the process I use to wipe.

Take three sheets of toilet paper and fold them in half.  Then fold them in half once more.  With the first strike attack the problem from the front to the back.  Be sure to place the paper over the precise spot of elimination and gently wipe while rolling the paper, thus changing the location of the contact as the wiping is completed.  Once the first strike is accomplished fold the toilet paper once more in half.

Now spit on the end opposite of where you wiped making the toilet paper a little damp, just a little, not too much, for that could cause a paper failure.  Then place the paper over the precise spot the elimination and gently wipe while rolling the paper once again

Now hopefully that is all that is needed.  If you have been thinking about this at all you have come to the conclusion that darn paper is getting smaller with each fold, you are right.    However, another strike may be needed.  If so, yes, the folding and spitting are once more necessary.

Now it may be necessary to point out, with each additional strike the aim must become more and more precise.  If the paper gets too small, well, you just have to start over, with two or three more sheets of toilet paper, after all it’s just a tree.

Just in case you are wondering, my aim is excellent.  Hopefully you were not wondering, for that would place me in sort of an awkward place.

You are probably wondering about Chris and Andrew and their reaction.  As I told the story their smile seemed to broaden and towards the end Chris was saying, Grandpa, grandpa, and at the very end Andrew said, “Never.”  We never had another over flowing toilet.  I don’t know if they followed the suggestion but, over the past years, it has been brought up, therefore even if not used it has not been forgotten.

Now you would think that should be the end of this story.  Well, surprise, there is more.

You most likely need to be brought back to the proper location in this story, remember Linda and I were at my moms home in Anaheim.  Well, she has been intently listening.  Mom started asking when, why and how this all started.  Of course, I didn’t have any better answer then, than I do now.  Next she asked if she had told me to do it that way.  I said I didn’t think so.

Can you imagine what she said next?  She said, “That’s the way I use the toilet paper and have been doing so for as long as I can remember.”  Regretfully the question wasn’t asked, as to how she came about this wiping solution.

A few days ago, while peering at one of my finished Sudoku books this thought came to mind.  How about using the paper from those used Sudoku books to wipe?  And that’s when the following thought presented itself.

Did my mom use the Sears catalog book?  After all, that’s what people did in the old days for toilet paper.  If she did the whole process made a lot of sense, even spitting on the paper, for it would be necessary to get a clean wipe.  Now, where is that darn Sears catalog?

 

This is public and can be re-posted, please mention my name and email address for others who might consider being on my mailing list.  sparkyspoint@outlook.com

If you would like to be my friend on Facebook here is my link:  https://www.facebook.com/wheresron

I have always been an open book, highly opinionated and open mouthed and sometimes get in trouble for it.  Ask me if I care?  After all, I’m usually in trouble at home, Linda calls me trouble maker all the time.  She ought to know been with me for 41 years.  Plus, I have found she is rarely wrong.

 

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Toilet Paper

When taking a dump at our home the lumpy fluid usually traversed down the pvc pipe into a septic tank.

We lived in Lake Mathews, Riverside County, in Southern California.   This is one of those lucky days we had our grandchildren, Chris and Andrew, visiting from our daughter, Diana.  Within a couple of hours of their visit the toilet plugged and a plumber was called to discover for us, why the lumpy fluid had stalled before entering the tank.

This isn’t a tale though, about a plugged pvc pipe, it’s a tale of “toilet paper usage”.

It was decided the boys needed to be instructed on the use of toilet paper which has become an interesting story.

Several years earlier, Linda and I was visiting my mom in Anaheim, California and toilet paper became a topic for some reason, which isn’t remembered.  When it did my method of wiping my ass after taking a dump was revealed.  With that, you are now going to enter the ass wiping lesson.

There is no explanation as to how this method came about it just did.  No one told me, nor was it read about in some daily magazine.  As far as the time, it wasn’t at a very young age, however, it can’t pinpoint when.  On the other hand, this method has been being used for as long as can be remembered.

Still to this day this is the ass wiping method used:

Take three sheets of toilet paper and fold them in half.  Then fold them in half once more.  With the first strike attack the problem from the front to the back.  Be sure to place the paper over the precise spot of elimination and gently wipe while rolling the paper, thus changing the location of the contact as the wiping is completed.  Once the first strike is accomplished fold the toilet paper once more in half.

Paper saving has always been an attitude of mine, you know save the trees kind of thing.  Maybe that’s how it got started, again, not sure.  Give this a thought, I was probably sitting there on the toilet with nothing on my mind when the thought hit.  Hey, maybe more trees could be saved if …..  Ok, forget that thought.

Now spit on the opposite end you wiped with making the toilet paper a little, just a little, not too much, for that could cause a problem.  Then place the paper over the precise spot the elimination is coming from and gently wipe while rolling the paper changing the location of the contact as the wiping is being done.

Notice the rolling of the toilet paper?  That has been mentioned twice!  If that instruction isn’t followed the paper could come apart.  Hey, that could be whole another story, OK, forget that thought.

Now hopefully that is all that is needed.  If you have been thinking about this at all you have come to the conclusion that darn paper is getting smaller with each fold.    However, another strike may be needed.  If so, yes, the folding and spitting are once more necessary.

Now it may be necessary to point out, with each additional strike the aim must become more and more precise.  Just in case you’re wondering, my aim is excellent.  Hopefully you weren’t wondering, for that would place me in sort of an awkward place.  OK, forget that thought.

If needed repeat this action with one more fold of the paper.  That should do it.  If not you will need more paper, oh darn.  At any rate, if the paper gets too small, well, you just have to start over, after all it’s just a tree.

You are probably wondering about Chris and Andrew and their reaction, they did laugh a lot and hopefully used the suggestion.  We never had another plugged pvc pipe.  Their method was not overseen, it was an honor system.  Over the past ten years, though it has been brought up, therefore even if not used it has not been forgotten.

Now you would think that should be the end of this story, well, surprise, there is more.

You most likely need to be brought back to the proper location in this story, remember Linda and I were at my mom’s home in Anaheim.  Well, she has been intently listening.  Mom started asking when, why and how this all started.  Of course, I didn’t have any better answer then, than I do now.  Next she asked if she had told me to do it that way.  Such a conversation wasn’t remembered by me and obviously not by her either, the answer was no.

Can you imagine what she said next?  She said, “That’s the way I use the toilet paper and have been doing so for as long as I can remember.”  Regretfully the question wasn’t asked, as to how she came about this wiping solution.

A few days ago while peering at one of my finished Sudoku books this thought came to mind.  How about using the paper from those used Sudoku books to wipe and that’s when the following thought presented itself.

Did my mom use the Sears catalog book, after all, that’s what people did in the old days, for toilet paper?  If she did the whole process made a lot of sense, even spitting on the paper, for it would be necessary to get a clean wipe.

Many times I’m confronted with why my belief is in the Bible and my explanation usually comes from the Bible and my own experiences are not mentioned.  I am going to write my experiences for it will help remind me when explaining my belief I should rely on my experience first then, use the Bible for backup.

My hope is after reading this story you will like it and read tomorrows story, on why my belief is in Christ and the Bible without the need of the Word.  Also, if you like my stories, please send me a comment.  It is funny how comical things get so much more attention than important things.

This is public and can be re-posted, please mention my name and email address for others who might consider being on my mailing list.  sparkyspoint@outlook.com

If you would like to be my friend on Facebook here is my link:  https://www.facebook.com/wheresron

I have always been an open book, highly opinionated and open mouthed and sometimes get in trouble for it.  Ask me if I care?  After all, I’m usually in trouble at home, Linda calls me trouble maker all the time.  She ought to know been with me for 41 years.  Plus, I have found she is rarely wrong.

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A Smile, an Alligator, Girls and a Pond.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a
while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or
make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator…”

Some old men can still think fast.

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Smiles for Now

My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.

I was always taught to respect my elders,but it keeps getting harder to find one.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

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